Tor-Mentors - How to Use Your Closest Relationships as Mirrors to See the Parts Within Yourself that Need Attention & Healing

The people who are supposed to love us unconditionally are often the ones who trigger us the most

Tor-Mentors - How to Use Your Closest Relationships as Mirrors to See the Parts Within Yourself that Need Attention & Healing

"If you think you're enlightened, go spend a long weekend with your family."

I heard Eckhart Tolle say that one time in an interview and it makes me chuckle every time I think of it.

Because here's the truth nobody wants to say out loud: the people who are supposed to love us unconditionally are often the ones who trigger us the most. The place that's supposed to feel like "home" can feel like walking back into a battlefield where all your old wounds are waiting.

The Gift Your Family Doesn't Know They're Giving You

There's an idea in Internal Family Systems that I love called "the tor-Mentor."

A tor-Mentor is a external person that triggers strong reactions in you.

Their role—whether they know it or not—is to show you which parts of yourself need your attention, your care, your healing.

In other words, your tor-Mentors are your teachers.

Your mother who guilt-trips you?

She's showing you where your people-pleasing parts still run the show.

Your sibling who dismisses everything you say?

They're revealing where your inner critic already tells you you're not enough.

Your father who never asks about your life?

He's pointing to the exiled part of you that still believes she doesn't matter.

This doesn't mean you have to be grateful for bad behavior.

It doesn't mean you owe anyone your presence or your forgiveness.

It means that every family gathering is an opportunity to collect information about your internal system—about which parts get activated, what they need from you, and how you can show up for yourself differently.

Even places can be tor-Mentors.

Your family home that brings up memories you didn't know you was still carrying.

When I moved back to the area I had grown up in after decades of being gone, I was amazed at how many inner parts were being activated - showing me memories I still needed to sit with, songs I still needed to let linger in my heart while I held my pain, and core wounds that showed themselves that still needed healing.

So think about these opportunities as fieldwork. As a chance to meet my parts in their original environment and finally give them what they needed all those years ago.

IFS teaches to speak FOR your parts, rather than FROM your parts.

Speaking FROM my parts sounds like: "You never listen to me! You always do this! I can't believe you're being so selfish!"

Speaking FOR my parts sounds like: "A part of me feels really hurt right now. I'm noticing a part that wants to be heard. I have a part that needs some space."

Speaking FOR your parts requires that you've already listened to them.

That you understand what they need.

That you've found the right moment and the right words.

Without that internal work first, you're just venting. And venting rarely creates the connection you're actually wanting.

Process the Challenges and Practice Forgiveness

What were the challenging moments?

Don't sugarcoat it. Write down what was hard. What activated you. What hurt.

What needs to be mourned?

Sometimes we need to grieve the family or the situation we wish we had. The parents who don't exist. The childhood we didn't get. The unconditional love that wasn't there.

Let yourself feel that grief. It's not weakness—it's truth.

What can I forgive myself for?

Maybe you snapped at your mother. Maybe you shut down instead of speaking up. Maybe you drank too much or ate too much or retreated into people-pleasing.

Your parts were trying to protect you. Can you forgive them for doing the best they could?

Are there things that can be forgiven in others?

Forgiveness doesn't mean forgetting or excusing. It means releasing the expectation that the past could have been different.

Your parents and family are carrying their own wounds. Their own protectors. Their own exiles.

Can you see them as people doing their best with what they have, even if their best doesn't bring connection?

How can things be different next time?

What boundaries do you need to set? What self-care practices need to be non-negotiable? What conversations need to happen before you go back?

Don't skip this question. This is where you build the foundation for next time.

Celebrate What Went Well

It's easy to focus on what went wrong. But what went RIGHT?

What were the best moments and what made them possible?

Maybe it was a quiet walk with your dad. Maybe it was laughing with your sister. Maybe it was just one moment where you felt seen.

Write it down. Let yourself feel the good alongside the hard.

What were the wins, whether tiny or big?

Did you take space when you needed it? Did you speak up once instead of staying silent? Did you leave without apologizing for who you are?

Those are wins. Honor them.

How can you build on this for next time?

What worked that you want to do again? What surprised you? What do you want more of?

This reflection process isn't about fixing your family. It's about learning how to be yourself in their presence—which might be the hardest work you'll ever do.

You Don't Have to Do This Alone

If you're reading this and thinking, "I need more support navigating my family relationships and the parts of me they activate," you're not alone.

This work—learning to stay connected to yourself in the presence of the people who raised you—is some of the hardest work there is.

It requires learning to speak for your parts instead of from them, understanding your nervous system responses, and building the internal capacity to hold compassion for yourself and others at the same time.

That's exactly what we work on in my 3-Month Mentorship Program.

Over 12 weeks, we dive deep into:

• Understanding your parts and what they need

• Learning to recognize when you're in Self-energy vs. when parts are driving

• Building the somatic practices that help you regulate your nervous system

• Setting boundaries that honor both your needs and your relationships

• Healing the wounds that keep you stuck in old patterns

If you're tired of losing yourself, if you're ready to show up as the woman you've become instead of the child you were, learn more about the mentorship here.

You can also join my free Skool community, Rapidly Evolving Life, where we practice these concepts together and support each other through the messy, beautiful work of becoming ourselves. Join us here.

Or if you don't like the thought of being in a community, then subscribe to my YouTube channel where I share stories about my own healing journey, my practices, and teach IFS where you can leave comments and ask questions that I'll answer for you in upcoming videos!

One More Thing

Going home for the holidays doesn't have to be a trauma anniversary.

It can be an opportunity to meet your parts in their original environment and finally give them what they needed all along: you.

Your presence. Your compassion. Your unwavering commitment to not abandoning yourself ever again.

That's the work. That's the gift.

And it's the one gift that will change every holiday—and every relationship—from here on out.

Want more articles like this? Read these next:

→ Why You Can't Stop People-Pleasing (And What IFS Reveals About Breaking Free)→ The Real Reason You Self-Sabotage When Things Go Well→ How to Set Boundaries Without Feeling Guilty: An IFS Approach

Share this article with someone who needs to read it. You might just give them permission to take care of themselves this holiday season.