You Think Setting Boundaries Will Protect Your Energy This Holiday Season. (Here's Why You'll Still Leave Exhausted)

Christine Knight
Dec 16
9 min read

The Best Gift You Can Give This Holiday Season Is Your Self-energy

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What if the best gift you give this Christmas isn't wrapped in paper?

What if it's not found in a box wrapped for your mother or your partner or your kids?

What if the best gift you can give this holiday season is the one you give yourself?

Not a spa day.

Not a new journal.

Not even a boundary (though those are great).

**The best gift you can give yourself—and everyone around you—is your Self-energy.**

In Internal Family Systems, we call it Self-energy (but I call it Core Essence).

It's the part of you that's calm, curious, and compassionate.

The part that can hold space for everyone's feelings without losing yourself.

The part that doesn't need to fix, defend, or perform.

It doesn't take on other people's energy or projections.

It's who you are when your protective parts step back and let you lead.

And here's the kicker:

**Most of us spend the holidays completely disconnected from it.**

We go home for Christmas as the people-pleaser, the peacekeeper, the good daughter, the family manager—operating from the parts that learned to keep us safe by making ourselves small.

And then we wonder why we leave feeling depleted, resentful, and emotionally hungover.

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You Think Setting Boundaries Will Protect Your Energy This Holiday Season

What Self-Energy (Core Essence) Actually Is

In IFS, Self-energy is who you are when you're not being run by your protective parts.

It's not something you have to achieve or earn.

**It's already there.**

It's the calm, grounded, open version of you that exists underneath all the anxiety, people-pleasing, and performance.

And you know when you're in it because it has specific qualities.

IFS identifies these as the **8 C's:**

- **Curiosity** – You're interested rather than judgmental

- **Compassion** – You can hold space for suffering (yours and others')

- **Calm** – Your nervous system is regulated

- **Clarity** – You can see what's actually happening

- **Creativity** – You can find new solutions

- **Confidence** – You trust yourself

- **Courage** – You can take risks and speak truth

- **Connectedness** – You feel part of something larger

And the **5 P's:**

- **Presence** – You're here now, not in the past or future

- **Patience** – You can wait and trust the process

- **Perspective** – You can see the bigger picture

- **Persistence** – You don't give up on yourself

- **Playfulness** – You can be light and joyful

When you're in Self-energy, you don't need to defend yourself. Y

ou listen with curiosity.

Or you firmly state boundaries.

Or you hold silence.

You don't need to make anyone wrong.

You don't need to fix or rescue or prove anything.

You just are.

And that changes everything.

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Why Family Gatherings Drain Your Self-Energy

Here's what happens for most of us at family gatherings:

Your mother makes a comment about your weight.

**Boom. A part activates.**

Maybe it's your inner critic who agrees with her.

Maybe it's your rebellious part who wants to tell her to f*ck off.

Maybe it's your people-pleaser who immediately apologizes and changes the subject.

But it's not YOU. It's a part of you trying desperately to protect you from feeling pain that has been felt some other time in the past.

And once that protective part takes over, you lose access to your Core Essence.

We call it being "blended".

You're no longer operating from curiosity or compassion or calm.

**You're operating from survival.**

And the more protective parts that activate—stacking on top of each other like a pile of football players on top of a football—the further your Self-energy gets buried - to the point of not even being able to be accessed.

We call that being "flooded".

By the second or third of the holiday festivities, you're completely run by parts.

And emotionally spent.

It takes a lot of energy to defend. Protect, Perform.

The people-pleaser is exhausted from managing everyone's feelings.

The inner critic is screaming that you're doing it all wrong.

The shut-down part just wants to leave.

And Self? Self is buried under all of it, like the football at the bottom of the pile of linebackers... waiting for you to come back.

**But here's what most people don't realize:**

These emotional triggers aren't random.

They're happening at multiple layers simultaneously—and if you're only working at one layer (usually the surface), you'll keep getting triggered by the same things over and over.

Your mother's comment about your weight isn't just activating your inner critic.

It's activating:

- The part that learned you weren't good enough as a child

- The nervous system response that says "I'm not safe"

- The belief system that says "My worth depends on how I look"

- The family pattern that's been running for generations

**This is why simply understanding your triggers hasn't stopped them.**

You've only been working at the surface layer.

*(More on this in a moment—because once you understand all 7 layers where triggers actually live, everything changes.)*

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The Gift You Can Give Yourself This Holiday Season

The gift you can give yourself this holiday season isn't to never have parts activate.

**It's to practice checking in with them and returning to Self.**

Emotional regulation.

Over and over again.

But before you can do that effectively, you need to understand what's actually happening when you get triggered—and why the strategies you've tried so far haven't worked.

Most therapists, coaches, and self-help books will tell you to:

- Set boundaries

- Practice self-care

- Use breathing techniques

- Challenge your thoughts

And those things help - at the surface level.

But they're only addressing 1-2 layers of where your triggers actually live.

And they're not healing the core wounds in the inner system so that the triggers actually stop happening altogether!

**There are 7 layers.**

And until you understand all of them, you'll keep:

- Getting triggered by the same family dynamics

- Feeling exhausted from managing everyone's emotions

- Leaving gatherings feeling depleted and resentful

- Wondering why you can't just "get over it"

This is exactly why I created my free guide: **"Why The Triggers Are Exhausting (and what to do instead) - A 7-Layer Approach"**

In it, I break down:

- All 7 layers where your triggers actually live (and why working at only one keeps you stuck)

- Why understanding your triggers intellectually hasn't stopped them

- The specific layer most therapists miss (and why that's keeping you in the cycle)

- How to work with your parts at each layer so you can actually stay in Self-energy

**[Download the free guide here →](https://w ww.ChristineKnight.info/free-guide )**

Once you understand these 7 layers, the parts check-in practice I'm about to share will make so much more sense—and actually work.

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Before You Go: Setting Up Your Parts Check-In Practice

The best way to stay connected to your Core Essence during the holidays?

Start practicing your parts check-in BEFORE you go. Before the trigger gets activated.

Here's how.

The Daily Parts Check-In: Your New Self-Care Practice

Most of us think self-care is bubble baths and face masks.

But real self-care is asking your parts what they need and actually listening.

Real self-care is making choices that are best to balance your inner system.

Real self-care is speaking "for" your parts, rather than "from" your parts.

Before you go home for the holidays, start this practice:

**Every morning, take 5 minutes to check in with your parts.**

Sit quietly.

Take a few breaths. Just noticing.

Ask: "Who's here right now? What parts are activated?"

Maybe your anxious part is already worrying about the visit.

Maybe your people-pleaser is making lists of gifts to buy.

Maybe your inner critic is telling you you're not doing enough.

Just notice them.

Nothing to change. Nothing to fix. You're not broken.

Just acknowledge: "I see you. I hear you. Thank you for trying to protect me."

This practice does two things:

1. It builds your capacity to notice when you're in Self vs. when parts are driving

2. It shows your parts that you're paying attention—which actually helps them relax

The more you practice this before you go, the easier it will be to do it when you're in the thick of family dynamics.

**But here's the thing most people miss:**

If you don't understand which layer your parts are protecting, you'll keep having the same conversation with them without any real shift.

This is where the 7-layer framework becomes essential.

*(If you haven't downloaded the guide yet, [grab it here] before you continue—it will make everything I'm about to share 10x more effective.)*

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Who Is This Trip For? (And Which Parts Have Opinions About It)

Here's a question that will save you so much resentment:

**"Who is this trip/gift/event for—and which of my parts have strong feelings about that?"**

Maybe you're traveling because you genuinely want to.

Maybe you're gifting because your people-pleasing part can't handle the guilt of not giving.

Maybe you're going because your inner critic says you "should."

Get clear on this BEFORE you do the thing.

Make your Presence your present.

That clarity means your parts won't get hurt when they don't get the deep emotional connection they're craving.

Offering the gift of your Presence, knowing that your parts are taken care of by You.

**This is the difference between resentment and peace.**

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Set Intentions from Self-energy, Not from Parts

Once you're clear on who The Thing is for, set your intentions.

But here's the key:

**Set them from Self-energy, not from your parts.**

Intentions from parts sound like:

- "I'm going to make everyone happy"

- "I'm going to prove I'm successful"

- "I'm going to finally get my mother to understand me"

Those are part-driven goals. And they will hurt you.

Intentions from Self-energy sound like:

- "I'm going to check in with my parts daily"

- "I'm going to take space when I need it"

- "I'm going to speak FOR my parts instead of FROM them"

- "I'm going to practice returning to Core Essence when I get triggered"

These intentions remind us that our job isn't to manage everyone else's feelings.

It's to make the choices (either in present moment - or in hindsight) to do what is best to create internal balance and safety.

**Our job is to stay connected to our Core Essence and tend to our parts.**

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During: Practicing the Parts Check-In in Real Time

Okay, you're home for the holidays.

Your mother just made a passive-aggressive comment about your career.

Your father is watching TV and hasn't asked you a single question about your life.

Your sibling is telling the same story they always tell where you're the punchline.

**Parts are activating.**

Here's how to return to Self.

The Real-Time Parts Check-In

When you feel yourself getting triggered—heart racing, stomach tight, wanting to snap or shut down—that's your cue.

Pause.

Slow dowwwwwnnnnnn.

Anytime we feel anxious/overwhelm/scared - that's just a signal for us

to slowwwww downnnnnnnnn.

Take a breath.

Turn your attention off the external event and turn your attention inward

(we call this the You-Turn or the U-Turn in Internal Family Systems IFS therapy).

Ask: **"Which part of me just got activated?"**

Maybe it's your inner critic saying, "See? You're still not good enough."

Maybe it's your defensive part wanting to fight back.

Maybe it's your shutdown part wanting to disappear.

Just name it.

"Oh, there's my inner critic."

"There's my defensive part."

"There's my shutdown part."

**Naming the part creates separation between you (Self) and the part.**

And that space between is everything. (it's differentiation - where you become the "Observer" and can be "with" your parts rather than "in" your parts).

And once you can see the part enough to name it, you're no longer being run by it.

You're in Self-energy, witnessing it.

From there, you can ask: "What does this part need right now?"

Maybe it needs reassurance.

Maybe it needs space.

Maybe it just needs to be seen.

Give it what it needs—and then return to the present moment.

This is the practice.

Not perfection. Practice.

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