Why We Keep Repeating Toxic Relationship Patterns
- Christine Knight
- Nov 16
- 14 min read
Repeating Toxic Relationship patterns
- The "Why Women Like Assholes" Framework:
Women respond to masculine traits (confidence, direction, certainty) not the cruelty
The "nice guy" problem when men have given up their power
What women actually want: integrated masculine (strength AND kindness)
IFS Exile Work:
How Exiles carry core wounds from unavailable fathers/caregivers
The re-do pattern: seeking someone who resembles the original perpetrator
Why your thinking mind says one thing while your body chooses another
How Exiles need healing from YOU, not from romantic re-dos
Nervous System/Neuroception:
How your nervous system reads "asshole traits" as safety signals
Why healthy masculine can feel unfamiliar/unsafe at first
Recalibrating to what actual safety feels like
The difference between trauma activation (intensity) and real safety (calm)
Somatic/Body-Based:
What toxic vs. healthy masculine feels like in your body
Why the "magnetism" toward unavailable men is a trauma response, not love
Building tolerance for the unfamiliar feeling of safe love
Practical Application:
Learn how to recognize the re-do pattern activating
Questions to ask your inner parts to build trust and reconnect with them
Distinguishing toxic from healthy masculine traits
Working with Exiles to heal the original core wound
Because:
(not "all nice guys are good" nor "all confident men are assholes")
Validating the "why" behind women repeatedly making these choices
It's not about "women liking assholes"—it's about misread safety signals
We must have compassion towards both the pattern and the path out of it
Read on to understand why this happens AND the path to choosing differently through parts work and nervous system recalibration.
Repeating Toxic Relatioships:
What Your Exiles Are Actually Seeking
...(And Why Your Neuroception Gets It Wrong)
Let me tell you about a pattern I see constantly in my practice, and it's more complicated than the cultural narrative suggests:
A woman comes in having just ended another relationship with a man who was emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or outright cruel. She knows intellectually that she deserves better.
She can describe exactly what a healthy partner would look like.
She's done the work, read the books, knows her patterns.
And then she meets someone new.
There's Guy A: kind, emotionally available, attentive, genuinely interested in her.
And Guy B: confident to the point of arrogance, decisive to the point of controlling, emotionally unavailable but magnetic in his certainty.
Her thinking mind says: Choose Guy A.
Her body says: Guy B feels like something.
And before she can even understand why, she's gravitating toward the one who treats her worse.
Here's what's actually happening—and it has nothing to do with women "liking assholes" and everything to do with what your Exiles learned about love, what your neuroception recognizes as safety, and why your parts are seeking a re-do with someone who resembles the original wound.
The Cultural Story of Repeating Toxic Relationships
...(And Why It's Incomplete)
There's a pervasive belief: "Nice guys finish last" and "Women like assholes."
Men complain that women don't want someone who treats them well—they want the guy who acts like he doesn't care or is downright mean.
And on the surface, it can look that way. Women do often choose men who display cruel, arrogant, or emotionally unavailable behaviors while passing over men who are kind, attentive, and emotionally present.
But here's what's actually true:
Women aren't attracted to the cruelty, the arrogance, or the emotional unavailability.
What they're responding to—what their nervous system is detecting—are the masculine traits that often come packaged with those behaviors:
Confidence and certainty
Decisiveness and direction
A sense of "I've got this"
The appearance of strength and power
Leadership and containment
These traits activate something primal in a woman's nervous system: the felt sense of safety.
Not intellectual safety. Not the kind you think your way into. But the body-based, neuroception-level detection of: "This person can hold me. This person has capacity. This person won't collapse if I bring all of me."
The problem is: These traits are often packaged with toxic relationship behaviors that are actually harmful.
And your parts—especially your wounded Exiles—can't always tell the difference.
What Your Nervous System Is Actually Detecting
Peter Levine and Stephen Porges teach about neuroception—your nervous system's subconscious capacity to detect safety or danger.
When a woman meets a man, her neuroception is reading:
Body language: Does he take up space confidently or does he collapse inward?
Vocal tone: Is his voice grounded and certain or apologetic and hesitant?
Energy: Does he lead or does he defer? Does he have direction or does he wait for her to decide?
Presence: Does he hold his ground or does he adjust himself constantly to please her?
Decisiveness: Does he know what he wants or is he overly accommodating?
Your neuroception is asking: "Can this person hold me? Or will I have to hold them?"
And here's where it gets complicated:
The "asshole" often displays traits that read to your nervous system as strength:
Confidence (even if it's actually arrogance).
Decisiveness (even if it's actually control).
Certainty (even if it's actually rigidity).
The appearance of not needing anything (even if it's actually emotional unavailability).
The "nice guy" often displays traits that read to your nervous system as weakness:
Agreeability (even if it's actually kindness).
Passivity (even if it's actually respect).
Accommodation (even if it's actually consideration).
The appearance of needing her approval (even if it's actually attentiveness).
Your neuroception detects: "Asshole = strong = can hold me = safe. Nice guy = weak = will collapse = not safe."
But your neuroception is wrong. Or more accurately: It's reading for one kind of safety while missing the actual danger.
Repeating the Original Toxic Relationship -
What Your Exiles Learned About Love
In IFS, we talk about Exiles—the younger, wounded parts of you that carry the original pain from your formative relationships.
If you grew up with a father (or primary caregiver) who was:
Authoritative but emotionally distant
Strong but unavailable
Confident but dismissive
Powerful but never tender
Decisive but never collaborative
Your Exiles learned a specific template for what "love" looks like in the first
Toxic Relationship:
Love looks like strength without softness. Love looks like certainty without collaboration.
Love looks like power without presence. Love looks like someone who doesn't need you while you're desperately trying to earn their attention.
And your Exiles also learned something devastating: "If I can just be good enough, small enough, accommodating enough, maybe he'll choose me. Maybe he'll soften. Maybe he'll finally see me."
These Exiles are carrying a wound that says: "I wasn't enough to make him stay present. If I can get someone like him to stay, to soften, to choose me—then maybe I AM enough after all."
This is the re-do your Exiles are seeking.
They're not drawn to the asshole because they like being treated badly. They're drawn to him because he resembles the original person who wounded them, and they're hoping this time the story ends differently.
The Re-do: Why Your Parts Choose Familiar Pain
Carl Jung called this repetition compulsion—the psyche unconsciously recreates unresolved dynamics in an attempt to master them.
But in IFS and somatic terms, here's what's actually happening:
Your Exiles hold the original wound: "Dad was powerful but never present. I learned that love means longing for someone who doesn't fully show up."
Your neuroception recognizes the pattern: When you meet a man who displays similar traits—confidence, decisiveness, emotional distance—your nervous system lights up: "Familiar! This is what love feels like in our database!"
Your protector parts activate: "If we can get THIS person to choose us, stay with us, soften for us, we can heal the original wound. This time will be different."
Your body responds: Attraction, magnetism, the sense that "this person is important somehow."
Meanwhile, the kind, emotionally available man doesn't activate this pattern. He doesn't resemble the original wound. So your Exiles don't recognize him as relevant to the healing they're seeking. And your neuroception doesn't flag him as "love" because he doesn't match the template.
This is why your thinking mind says "choose the kind one" while your body says "the unavailable one feels like something."
Your Exiles are running the show, seeking the re-do with someone who resembles the original perpetrator.
Why "Nice Guys" Don't Feel Safe (Even Though They Should)
Here's what's confusing and painful for everyone involved:
The "nice guy" is actually offering what would be healing—kindness, presence, emotional availability, collaboration, respect.
But to your Exiles, he doesn't feel safe. He feels unfamiliar.
And to your nervous system—which was calibrated to recognize strength (even toxic strength) as safety—he reads as weak.
Let me be very clear: This is your parts misreading the situation.
The "nice guy's" qualities aren't actually weakness. They're:
Emotional intelligence (not need for approval)
Collaboration (not passivity)
Respect (not lack of direction)
Consideration (not people-pleasing)
Kindness (not inability to hold boundaries)
But your parts can't see this yet because:
Your Exiles aren't seeking healthy. They're seeking familiar. They're seeking the re-do.
Your neuroception was calibrated wrong. It learned to recognize dominance, control, and emotional distance as "safety" because that's what your primary attachment figures displayed.
Your nervous system doesn't know the difference between masculine strength that's grounded and safe vs. masculine dominance that's actually harmful.
The "Nice Guy" Problem (And What Women Actually Need)
Here's where we need to talk about something nuanced:
Not every man labeled a "nice guy" is actually healthy. Some men who present as "nice" have actually given up their power, their truth, their boundaries—and that DOES create an unsafe dynamic, just in a different way than the asshole does.
The unhealthy "nice guy" has learned:
To be loved, I need to be agreeable, polite, passive, pleasing
I avoid tension and conflict at all costs
I silence my own needs and wants
I follow rather than lead
I seek approval and validation constantly
I don't take up space or have strong opinions
This is often a Fawn response—Ingrid Clayton's work shows us that fawning is the trauma response where you learned to make yourself small, accommodating, and pleasing to avoid harm or abandonment.
And here's the hard truth: This doesn't feel safe to a woman's nervous system either.
Not because women need to be dominated. But because when a man has given up his power, his truth, his boundaries:
She can't lean into him (he'll collapse)
She can't bring her full intensity (he'll be overwhelmed)
She ends up holding everything (he won't share the load)
She can't relax into his containment (there is none)
Her nervous system reads: "This person doesn't have capacity to hold me. I have to hold everything. That's exhausting and unsafe in a different way."
What Women Actually Want
The cultural narrative presents this as binary: Asshole vs. Nice Guy. Strength vs. Kindness. Power vs. Presence.
But what women actually need—what allows their nervous system to feel truly safe—is a man who holds both:
Masculine strength AND emotional presence. Confidence AND kindness. Direction AND collaboration. The ability to lead AND the willingness to be tender. Certainty in himself AND curiosity about her. Boundaries that are firm AND a heart that's open.
This is what's often called integrated masculine energy:
He knows who he is and what he wants (not seeking her approval to define him)
He can hold space for her emotions without trying to fix or collapse (presence)
He makes decisions and has direction (leadership) but collaborates with her (partnership)
He can be assertive and set boundaries (strength) while remaining emotionally available (connection)
He takes up space confidently (grounded) without diminishing her (respectful)
This man doesn't trigger the re-do pattern because he doesn't resemble the original wound.
But he DOES activate the felt sense of safety because his strength is real, not toxic.
Why Your Parts Choose the Asshole Over Healthy Masculine
Let me break down what's happening in your system when you meet these different types of men:
When You Meet the "Asshole" (Toxic Masculine)
Your Exiles recognize: "This resembles Dad/the original wound. THIS is our chance for the re-do!"
Your neuroception detects: Confidence, decisiveness, certainty, power (reads as "strong = can hold me = safe")
Your protector parts activate: "If we can get him to soften, to choose us, to stay—we'll finally prove we're enough."
Your body responds: Attraction, intensity, the magnetic pull of "this matters somehow"
What you don't realize yet: He's not actually strong. He's defended. His "confidence" is often compensation for deep insecurity. His "certainty" is rigidity. His "not needing you" is avoidant attachment. His "strength" is actually emotional unavailability.
But your parts can't see this because they're looking for the familiar pattern, not the healthy one.
When You Meet the Unhealthy "Nice Guy" (Collapsed Masculine)
Your Exiles don't recognize him: He doesn't resemble the original wound, so he's not relevant to the re-do.
Your neuroception detects: Passivity, need for approval, lack of direction, collapsed energy (reads as "weak = can't hold me = unsafe")
Your protector parts dismiss him: "This person doesn't have the capacity we need. We'll have to hold everything."
Your body responds: Maybe fondness, maybe gratitude, but not attraction. No magnetic pull.
What you might not realize: This man has given up his power, likely through his own trauma. His "niceness" is often people-pleasing, fawning, seeking external validation to know who he is.
So your parts are actually right that this isn't safe—just for different reasons than you think.
When You Meet the Integrated Masculine (Healthy)
Your Exiles don't recognize him: He doesn't match the template of the original wound.
Your neuroception initially struggles: He's strong but also tender. Confident but also collaborative. This doesn't compute with the old template.
Your protector parts panic: "This is unfamiliar! We don't know how to operate here! Where's the pattern we know?"
Your body might feel: Confused. Maybe activated (unfamiliar = potential threat). Maybe nothing at first because your system is looking for different markers.
What's actually true: This man IS strong enough to hold you AND present enough to see you. But your system doesn't recognize this as "love" yet because it doesn't match your wiring.
This is why healthy can feel wrong while toxic feels like home.
What Your Parts Need to Learn (So You Can Choose Differently)
Your Exiles are seeking a re-do that's never going to come. The asshole won't suddenly become your father-but-better. He won't heal the original wound by finally choosing you, softening for you, staying for you.
The re-do doesn't work because:
He's not your father. The original wound happened in childhood with someone whose love you needed for survival. No adult relationship can recreate and heal that.
Choosing you won't heal your Exile's wound. Even if he does soften (rare), your Exile will still carry the belief "I'm only enough when I can make unavailable men available."
He's actually creating a new wound on top of the old one. Each time he's emotionally unavailable, dismissive, or cruel, he's re-traumatizing your Exiles while they desperately hope for healing.
The work is helping your parts understand:
1. Name the Re-do Pattern
When you feel magnetic attraction to someone who displays asshole behaviors, pause:
"Which part of me is drawn to this person?"
"Does he remind me of anyone from my past?"
"What am I hoping will happen if I can 'win' him?"
You might hear:
"He reminds me of Dad—strong, certain, but unavailable"
"If I can get him to choose me, it means I'm enough"
"He feels like home because this is what love felt like growing up"
Validate this part: "I hear you, Exile. You're trying to heal the original wound. You want so badly to get a different ending this time. That makes so much sense."
2. Help Your Parts Distinguish Toxic from Healthy Masculine
Your neuroception learned to recognize certain traits as "safety" when they were actually signs of emotional unavailability.
The practice: Check the packaging.
When you meet someone who displays masculine confidence, ask your parts what they see:
Is this healthy masculine?
He's confident but not arrogant
He has direction but collaborates with me
He's decisive but respects my input
He's strong but emotionally available
He takes up space but makes room for me too
He has boundaries but his heart is open
Or is this toxic masculine?
His confidence is actually arrogance (he's always right, dismisses my perspective)
His decisiveness is actually control (he decides for me, not with me)
His strength is actually emotional unavailability (he doesn't share his inner world)
His certainty is actually rigidity (he can't be flexible or vulnerable)
His "not needing me" is actually avoidant attachment (he keeps distance)
Your Exiles might resist this: "But the intensity! The magnetism! That means it's important!"
Help them understand: "The intensity isn't love. It's your nervous system recognizing a familiar pattern. The magnetism isn't attraction to what's healthy—it's your parts trying to get a re-do that won't heal you."
3. Recalibrate What Safety Actually Feels Like
Your nervous system needs new data about what safety is.
Toxic masculine FEELS like: Intensity, electricity, the sense that "this matters," anxiety mixed with excitement, the push-pull of pursuing someone emotionally distant.
This isn't safety. This is your trauma response activating.
Healthy masculine might FEEL like: Calm, steady, less intense at first, maybe even "boring" because there's no drama to manage, unfamiliar because you're not chasing or proving yourself.
This unfamiliarity is your nervous system encountering actual safety for the first time.
The practice: Can you stay present with the discomfort of safe?
When you meet a man who is both strong AND kind, both confident AND collaborative, your parts might panic: "Where's the pattern I know? How do I operate here?"
Stay anyway. For five more minutes. Then five more.
Let your nervous system gather new data: "Oh. He's confident but he's also listening to me. He has direction but he's asking what I want. He's strong but he's also tender. This... this is actually what safety feels like."
4. Work With Your Exiles Directly
Your Exiles need to hear:
"The re-do isn't coming. And that's actually okay."
Not because the original wound doesn't matter. But because trying to heal it through romantic relationships with men who resemble the original perpetrator just re-wounds you... layers additional scars on top of the wound.
The healing your Exiles need comes from you:
Witnessing what they learned about love
Acknowledging how painful it was to long for a father who wasn't emotionally present
Offering them the presence, the attunement, the "you're enough exactly as you are" that they needed then
Helping them unburden the belief that they need to earn love through performance or pursuit
When your Exiles feel seen and loved by YOU, they stop seeking the re-do with men (in the external world) who can't actually heal them.
What You Deserve (And What Your Parts Need to Believe)
You don't have to choose between strength and kindness. Between confidence and emotional availability. Between a man who has direction and a man who has presence.
You can have both. And you deserve both.
You deserve a man who:
Is confident in who he is without being arrogant about it
Can lead and make decisions while also collaborating with you
Has a strong sense of self without being rigid or controlling
Can hold space for your emotions without trying to fix you or collapsing
Has clear boundaries while keeping his heart open
Takes up space without diminishing you
Is certain in himself without needing to dominate you
Shows up consistently without being clingy or seeking constant validation
This is integrated masculine: strength AND heart.
Power AND presence.
And here's what your Exiles need to know:
You don't need to heal your father wound by finding a man who's father-like-but-better.
You don't need to prove you're enough by winning over someone who's emotionally unavailable.
You don't need to re-create the original pain hoping this time it ends differently.
You need to offer your Exiles what they actually needed: to be seen, chosen, and loved exactly as they are.
And when you do that—when your Exiles feel secure in YOUR love for them—they stop seeking the re-do. They stop being drawn to men who resemble the wound.
They become available for men who offer what you actually need: healthy masculine energy that can hold you AND see you.
The Invitation
If you've been choosing men who treat you badly while passing over men who treat you well, you're not broken. You're not "attracted to assholes."
Your Exiles are seeking a re-do. Your neuroception is reading for the wrong markers of safety. Your parts are trying to heal an old wound through a pattern that can't actually heal it.
The work is:
Recognizing the re-do pattern when it activates
Helping your parts distinguish toxic masculine from healthy masculine
Recalibrating your nervous system to recognize actual safety
Offering your Exiles the healing they're seeking (from you, not from men who resemble your father)
Building your capacity to tolerate the unfamiliar feeling of healthy love
You can learn to choose differently. But it requires working with your parts, not just thinking your way out of the pattern.
Your Exiles are waiting to be heard. Your nervous system is waiting to be recalibrated. Your whole system is waiting to learn that love doesn't have to look like longing for someone who's unavailable.
It can look like being met. Being seen. Being held by someone who's both strong enough to contain you AND present enough to truly know you.
That's what you deserve. And your parts can learn to recognize it.
This is the work. You're worth it.
Comments