The 5 Wounds That Keep You From Being Yourself: An IFS & Shadow Work Perspective
- Christine Knight
- Nov 18
- 16 min read
Updated: Nov 19
The 5 Wounds That Keep You From Being Yourself
An IFS & Shadow Work Perspective
A Deep Dive into Lise Bourbeau's Framework for Healing Core Wounds
You were born whole.
Then something happened.
Maybe a parent looked away when you needed them to see you.
Maybe they were there physically but absent emotionally.
Maybe they shamed your body, controlled your choices, or demanded perfection while withholding warmth.
And your system did what it had to do to survive in the moment: it created a mask.
It created a belief about itself.
Not a conscious choice.
Not a character flaw.
A brilliant, desperate strategy by young parts of you that needed to make sense of pain they couldn't process.
Emotional overwhelm that couldn't be soothed.
Couldn't be expressed.
So it got buried. Suppressed.
Lise Bourbeau's "Heal Your Wounds & Find Your True Self" (originally "The 5 Wounds That Prevent You from Being Yourself") offers a framework that aligns beautifully with Internal Family Systems and shadow work—even though she doesn't use that language.
Her core insight: We all carry wounds from early life, and we all created protective masks to survive those wounds. The mask keeps us safe, but it also keeps us from being ourselves.
The Framework: How Wounds Create Masks
In Internal Family Systems (IFS) terms, Bourbeau is describing how Exiles (the wounded young parts) get protected by Manager and Firefighter parts that form into cohesive patterns—what she calls "masks."
The Cycle of Wounding:
1. The True Self (You Before the Wound)
You were born in your natural state:
Authentic
Free
Whole
Connected to yourself
In IFS, this is Self-energy—the qualities of curiosity, compassion, clarity, and calm that are your birthright.
2. The Wound (The Traumatic Experience - The Emotional Overwhlem)
Early in life, something happened that your young system experienced as a threat to your being:
A parent rejected your existence
A parent abandoned you emotionally
A caregiver shamed your body or needs
Someone betrayed your trust
A parent treated you coldly or demanded perfection
This created an Exile—a young part frozen in that painful moment, carrying the unbearable feelings of:
"I shouldn't exist"
"I'm all alone"
"I'm disgusting"
"I can't trust anyone"
"I'm not good enough"
3. The Mask (The Protective System)
To keep the Exile's pain from overwhelming you, your system created a mask—a complete personality strategy run by protective Manager and Firefighter parts.
This mask became so automatic, so embedded in your nervous system, that you forgot it was a survival strategy. You thought it was just "who you are."
4. The Trap (Identification With the Mask)
The mask worked so well at keeping you safe that you became completely identified with it.
You stopped being able to tell the difference between:
The protective strategy (the mask)
Your True Self (who you actually are)
This false identity is the source of your suffering and disconnects you from yourself.
"We are not our wounds, and we are not our masks. We are the True Self that existed before the wound and still exists beneath the mask—waiting to be liberated through awareness and compassion."
The 5 Wounds & Their Corresponding Masks
Bourbeau maps five core wounds, each creating a specific protective mask.
What makes her framework unique (and controversial) is that she claims these patterns become so deeply embedded they actually manifest in the shape of your physical body—your soma literally holds the pattern.
1. The Wound of REJECTION → The Fugitive Mask
The Core Exile Belief: "I shouldn't exist. I am nothing."
When the Wound Formed:
Usually from conception to age one
The same-sex parent rejected or dismissed the child's existence
The core injury: "My right to exist is denied"
The Protective Mask (Manager/Firefighter Parts):
The Fugitive develops to protect against the terror of rejection by:
Making yourself invisible
Fleeing from situations, relationships, confrontations
Withdrawing into fantasy worlds
Believing you're fundamentally misunderstood
The Body's Response:
The soma develops a "fleeing" quality:
Thin, contracted, "ethereal"
Parts that seem "missing" or underdeveloped
The body literally looks like it's trying to disappear
Fragmented, dissociated physicality
The Core Fear: Panic—the terror of being revealed as "nothing"
What the Part Needs: Permission to exist. To be seen without being rejected. To know their presence matters.
2. The Wound of ABANDONMENT → The Dependent Mask
The Core Exile Belief: "I'm all alone. No one will be there for me."
When the Wound Formed:
Usually between ages one and three
The opposite-sex parent was unavailable, absent, or inconsistently present
The core injury: Lack of emotional nourishment and support
The Protective Mask (Manager/Firefighter Parts):
The Dependent develops to protect against abandonment by:
Creating constant need for attention and support from others
Playing the victim to ensure people stay close
Clinging to relationships out of terror of being alone
Using drama and sadness to secure emotional supply
The Body's Response:
The soma develops a "dependent" quality:
Long, thin, "droopy"
Lacks muscle tone (sagging shoulders, poor posture)
The body looks like it cannot support itself
Physically expresses the need to lean on others
The Core Fear: Loneliness—the unbearable feeling of being completely alone
What the Part Needs: To learn they can support themselves. To discover their inner resources. To know they're not actually alone.
3. The Wound of HUMILIATION → The Masochist Mask
The Core Exile Belief: "I am disgusting. My needs and pleasures are shameful."
When the Wound Formed:
Usually in early childhood during developmental stages of autonomy
A parent (often the mother) shamed the child's body, needs, or pleasures
The core injury: Being made to feel disgusting for being human (eating messily, bodily functions, early sexuality, taking up space)
The Protective Mask (Manager/Firefighter Parts):
The Masochist develops to protect against shame by:
Taking on everyone else's burdens to prove they're "good"
Seeking out situations where they suffer or are shamed (unconsciously recreating the familiar)
Denying their own needs, pleasures, and freedom
Over-doing, over-giving, self-sacrificing to exhaustion
The Body's Response:
The soma develops a "shamed" quality:
Thick, fleshy, rounded
The body looks "heavy" and "burdened"
Often thick neck, rounded back
Physically carrying "the weight of the world"
The Core Fear: Freedom—because freedom brings responsibility and visibility, which might lead to more shame
What the Part Needs: To honor their body. To allow pleasure and freedom. To know they're not disgusting for having needs.
4. The Wound of BETRAYAL → The Controller Mask
The Core Exile Belief: "I can't trust anyone. I'll be betrayed if I let my guard down."
When the Wound Formed:
Usually between ages two and four
The opposite-sex parent broke trust or failed to keep promises
The core injury: Feeling deceived or manipulated by someone they depended on
The Protective Mask (Manager/Firefighter Parts):
The Controller develops to protect against betrayal by:
Needing to control everything and everyone
Planning, forecasting, manipulating to prevent surprises
Being strong, forceful, and impatient
Seeing vulnerability as dangerous weakness
The Body's Response:
The soma develops a "controlling/power" quality:
Projects strength and dominance
Upper body development (broad shoulders in men, wide hips/chest in women)
The body literally says "I am in charge"
Muscular tension that's always ready to act
The Core Fear: Disassociation, separation, and "letting go"—the terror of being vulnerable
What the Part Needs: To practice vulnerability. To learn that trust is possible. To know they're safe even when they're not in control.
5. The Wound of INJUSTICE → The Rigid Mask
The Core Exile Belief: "I'm not good enough. I have to be perfect to be loved."
When the Wound Formed:
Usually between ages four and six
The same-sex parent was cold, withholding, or only valued performance/achievement
The core injury: Feeling their uniqueness wasn't seen, only their productivity mattered
The Protective Mask (Manager/Firefighter Parts):
The Rigid develops to protect against not being "enough" by:
Becoming the perfectionist
Cutting off from feelings to achieve more
Seeking justice and fairness obsessively
Being dynamic and high-achieving but emotionally armored
The Body's Response:
The soma develops a "rigid/perfect" quality:
Stiff, upright, controlled
Well-proportioned but inflexible
The body is "armored" against feeling
Everything held together tightly to look "perfect"
The Core Fear: Coldness—both giving it and receiving it, because it confirms they're not worthy of warmth
What the Part Needs: To allow imperfection. To feel their feelings. To know they're lovable even when they're messy or "not enough."
In IFS Language: Understanding the Masks as Protective Parts
What Bourbeau calls "masks," we would call blended Protector Parts—protective strategies that have become so dominant they eclipse Self-energy.
The Fugitive = A Proactive Manager part that protects by making you invisible
The Dependent = A Reactive Firefighter part that protects by ensuring you're never alone
The Masochist = A Proactive Manager part that protects by taking on suffering before it can be inflicted
The Controller = A Proactive Manager part that protects by maintaining total control
The Rigid = A Proactive Manager part that protects through perfectionism and emotional shutdown.
These aren't "bad" parts. They're brilliant survival strategies that kept you functioning when the Exile's pain would have been overwhelming.
The problem isn't the protective part. The problem is being so blended with it that you can't access Self-energy.
"The mask is not the enemy. The mask is a loyal protector that's been working overtime for decades. Healing happens when we thank the mask for its service and show it there's a new way to keep us safe."
The Shadow Work Perspective:
Meeting What You've Disowned
In shadow work, we understand that what we reject in ourselves doesn't disappear—it gets stronger in the darkness.
Each mask creates a shadow:
The Fugitive's shadow: The part of you that wants to be SEEN, to take up space, to exist boldly
The Dependent's shadow: The part of you that's actually strong, capable, and able to stand alone
The Masochist's shadow: The part of you that wants pleasure, freedom, and to prioritize yourself
The Controller's shadow: The part of you that longs to surrender, to be vulnerable, to trust
The Rigid's shadow: The part of you that's messy, imperfect, emotional, and beautifully human
Healing doesn't happen by killing the mask.
Healing happens by meeting both the mask AND the shadow with compassion.
The mask has been protecting you. The shadow has been waiting to be integrated. Both deserve your attention.
The Somatic Truth: Your Body Holds the Pattern
One of Bourbeau's most controversial claims—that wounds manifest in physical body types—actually aligns with what we know about trauma and the nervous system.
Trauma lives in the body:
The Fugitive's contracted, disappearing body is a freeze/collapse response
The Dependent's droopy, unsupported body reflects chronic dorsal vagal shutdown
The Masochist's heavy, burdened body carries the weight of hypervigilance and overfunction
The Controller's powerful, armored body is constantly in fight/mobilization
The Rigid's stiff, perfect body is holding everything together to prevent breakdown
These aren't moral judgments about bodies. They're observations about how patterns become embodied. And how deeply they are embedded.
Your soma is not separate from your psyche. The way you hold yourself physically reflects the way your protective parts have organized around the wound.
This is why somatic work is essential.
You can't think your way out of patterns that live in your tissues.
The Healing Process: A 4-Step Journey Back to Self
Bourbeau's healing process maps beautifully onto IFS and Shadow Work methodologies.
Step 1: Awareness & Observation
The Practice:
Notice when a mask activates in real-time.
In the moment of activation, say (internally): "Ah, this is my Controller mask taking over" or "This is my Fugitive part wanting to disappear."
Why This Works:
Awareness creates unblending—the space between you (Self) and the protective part (mask).
Once you can observe it, you're no longer completely identified with it. This is the beginning of freedom.
Track these patterns:
When does this mask show up?
What situations trigger it?
What does it feel like in your body when it activates?
What is it trying to protect you from?
Step 2: Acceptance (Of the Wound)
The Practice:
Allow yourself to feel the pain beneath the mask without letting the mask react.
This is the hardest step. It means to become the Observer:
Feeling the rejection without fleeing
Feeling the abandonment without clinging
Feeling the shame without self-punishment
Feeling the betrayal without controlling
Feeling the "not enough" without perfectionism
Why This Works:
The Exile has been carrying unbearable feelings. The mask exists to keep you from feeling them.
But unfelt feelings don't heal—they just keep running the show from the basement.
When you can be present with the Exile's pain (with Self-energy, not blended with another part), you begin the actual healing process.
This requires:
Nervous system capacity (you need to be regulated enough to tolerate the feelings)
Self-compassion (meeting the pain without judgment)
Time (you can't rush this process) - Go Slow.
Step 3: Taking Responsibility
The Practice:
Stop blaming the parent or person who "caused" the wound.
This doesn't mean what happened to you was okay. It wasn't.
But healing requires you to take ownership of it - because ownership is empowerment:
Your pain (it's yours to feel and heal)
Your masks (they're your responsibility to recognize and work with)
Your healing journey (no one can do it for you)
Name it and Claim it.
Why This Works:
Blame keeps you in victim consciousness. It gives your power away to another.
When you take responsibility, you reclaim your agency.
You stop waiting for the person who hurt you to somehow fix it.
The shift:
From "They did this to me"
To "This happened to me, AND I have the power to heal it"
Step 4: Self-Love & Compassion (Giving Yourself What the Parent Couldn't)
The Practice:
Become the parent your Exile needed but didn't have.
This is where the actual healing happens. Each wound needs a specific antidote:
If your wound is REJECTION:
Give yourself permission to exist
Practice taking up space
Validate your own presence
Choose to be visible
If your wound is ABANDONMENT:
Learn to support yourself
Practice being alone without panic
Discover your inner resources
Know you're with yourself always
If your wound is HUMILIATION:
Honor your body and its needs
Allow yourself pleasure
Give yourself freedom
Know you're not disgusting for being human
If your wound is BETRAYAL:
Practice vulnerability in safe relationships
Learn to trust incrementally
Let go of control in small doses
Know that not everyone will betray you
If your wound is INJUSTICE:
Allow yourself to be imperfect
Feel your feelings
Value yourself beyond your performance
Know you're lovable as you are
The Goal:
As you heal the wound, the mask naturally softens.
It stops being an automatic reaction and becomes a tool you can choose to put down.
This creates space for your True Self—your Self-energy—to emerge.
Why This Work Is So Challenging (And Why You Might Need Support)
Here's what makes this healing process difficult:
The masks are deeply embedded:
They've been running the show for decades
They're neurologically hardwired
They're protecting Exiles who are terrified
Your nervous system experiences change as danger
The Exiles carry unbearable pain:
Pain you couldn't process as a child
Feelings that once felt like they would destroy you
Beliefs about yourself that are deeply shameful
Your system will resist:
Protective parts will fight to keep the status quo
You'll get activated and lose access to Self-energy
Old patterns will feel "right" even when they're limiting
The work requires multiple modalities:
Cognitive awareness (understanding the patterns)
Somatic work (releasing what's held in the body)
Parts work (dialoguing with protectors and Exiles)
Nervous system regulation (building capacity to feel)
Shadow integration (meeting what you've disowned)
This is exactly why deep mentorship exists.
You need:
Someone trained to recognize these patterns
Support when protective parts resist
Guidance in building nervous system capacity
Witnessing as you meet your Exiles
Accountability through the 66-day rewiring process
How the 5 Wounds Framework Integrates With IFS & Shadow Work
What I love about Bourbeau's framework is how cleanly it maps onto what we already know from IFS, somatic work, and shadow integration:
Her "True Self" = Self-energy in IFS
The qualities of compassion, curiosity, calm, courage, confidence
Who you are when you're not blended with parts
Your essential nature before wounding
Her "Wounds" = Exiles in IFS
Young parts frozen in painful moments
Carrying burdens (beliefs) they took on to make sense of what happened
Need to be witnessed, felt, and unburdened
Her "Masks" = Blended Manager/Firefighter parts in IFS
Protective strategies that have become your default identity
Run automatically to keep Exiles' pain from overwhelming you
Not the enemy—they're trying to help
Her "Healing Process" = The IFS healing pathway
Awareness = Unblending from protective parts
Acceptance = Being present with Exiles
Responsibility = Self-leadership
Self-love = Reparenting from Self-energy
Her "Physical Body Types" = Somatic/nervous system patterns
Trauma and protection strategies become embodied
Your soma reflects how parts have organized around wounds
Healing requires working with the body, not just the mind
A Practical Integration: Working With Your Primary Wound
Most people have one or two primary wounds that dominate their system, with the others showing up secondarily.
To identify your primary wound, ask:
Body-based questions:
Which physical description resonates most with your body?
How do you hold tension or collapse?
What's your body's default posture or energy?
Behavioral questions:
Which mask do you default to under stress?
What's your go-to protective strategy?
How do you try to keep yourself safe?
Emotional questions:
Which core fear feels most familiar?
What belief about yourself runs deepest?
What pain are you most afraid to feel?
Relational questions:
What pattern repeats in your relationships?
What do you need from others to feel safe?
How do you respond when someone gets close?
Once you've identified your primary wound and mask:
Name it when it shows up: "Oh, this is my Controller part" or "This is my Rejection wound activating"
Get curious about what triggered it: What just happened that made this part feel it needed to protect you?
Check in with your body: Where do you feel this pattern in your soma? What sensations are present?
Ask the protective part what it needs: What is it afraid will happen if it relaxes?
See if you can access the Exile beneath: What young part is this mask protecting? What does that part need from you?
Offer what was missing: Can you give yourself (from Self-energy) what the parent couldn't give?
This process isn't linear. You'll cycle through these steps hundreds of times as you slowly build new neural pathways and heal old wounds.
The Gene Keys Perspective: Shadow to Gift to Siddhi
In Gene Keys language, Bourbeau's wounds are shadow frequencies—low-vibration patterns that keep you contracted and separated from your true nature.
The healing journey is the transformation from shadow to gift to siddhi:
The Rejection Wound:
Shadow: Invisibility, self-rejection, fleeing
Gift: Presence, authenticity, unique expression
Siddhi: Existence itself—the recognition that your being is inherently worthy
The Abandonment Wound:
Shadow: Dependency, victim consciousness, clinging
Gift: Self-sufficiency, inner resources, healthy interdependence
Siddhi: Aloneness—the realization that you're never actually separate
The Humiliation Wound:
Shadow: Shame, self-sacrifice, burden-bearing
Gift: Freedom, pleasure, healthy boundaries
Siddhi: Grace—the embodiment of divine humanity
The Betrayal Wound:
Shadow: Control, manipulation, distrust
Gift: Surrender, vulnerability, authentic power
Siddhi: Trust—the knowing that life is trustworthy
The Injustice Wound:
Shadow: Perfectionism, rigidity, emotional shutdown
Gift: Authenticity, emotional flow, wholeness
Siddhi: Perfection—the recognition that you're already complete
The shadows don't disappear. They transform through consciousness, repetition, and embodied practice.
Need Support Healing Your Core Wounds?
If you're recognizing yourself in these patterns and thinking, "I see my wound(s), but I don't know how to heal them alone"—that's wisdom.
Core wound work is some of the deepest work you can do, and it benefits from:
Skilled witnessing by someone trained in trauma-informed parts work
Somatic support to build capacity for feeling the Exile's pain
Nervous system regulation so protective parts feel safe enough to unblend
Shadow integration practices to meet what you've disowned
Consistent support over months (not weeks) as patterns slowly shift
In my 3-Month Mentorship, we do exactly this work:
We identify your primary wound(s) and the masks protecting them. We dialogue with protective parts to understand their fears. We build nervous system capacity so you can be present with Exiles. We practice giving yourself what the parent couldn't give. We track how patterns show up in your body, your relationships, your daily life.
This is IFS + somatic work + shadow integration + Gene Keys—all woven together into a coherent healing journey.
You don't heal these wounds by understanding them intellectually. You heal them by feeling them somatically, meeting them with compassion, and slowly building new patterns through repeated practice.
The Liberation: From Mask to True Self
The goal isn't to eliminate your protective parts. They saved your life.
The goal is to:
Recognize them as parts, not as your entire self
Appreciate what they did for you
Show them there are new ways to keep you safe
Create enough healing that they can relax
As the wound heals and the mask softens, something emerges:
Your True Self. Your Self-energy. The you that existed before the wound and has been waiting beneath the mask all along.
This version of you:
Doesn't need to flee, cling, sacrifice, control, or perfect
Can be present without protection
Can connect without losing themselves
Can be vulnerable without being destroyed
Can exist in their full humanity
This is the liberation Bourbeau promises. And it's real.
Not through magical thinking, but through:
Understanding your patterns
Meeting your wounds with compassion
Building new neural pathways through repetition
Working with your body and your parts
Having support through the process
Key Takeaways: The 5 Wounds in Practice
The wounds are universal:
Almost everyone carries at least one of these core wounds
Many people carry multiple wounds
Your primary wound shapes how you move through life
The masks are protective, not pathological:
They're brilliant survival strategies from young parts
They kept you safe when you needed protection
They're not the enemy—they're loyal protectors working overtime
Healing requires feeling:
You can't think your way out of wounds
The Exiles need to be felt, witnessed, and unburdened
This requires nervous system capacity and support
Your body tells the story:
Patterns are embodied in your soma
Physical symptoms often point to emotional wounds
Somatic work is essential, not optional
The process takes time:
These patterns have been building for decades
Expect 66+ days to rewire even one core pattern
Be patient with yourself and your protective parts
You need multiple approaches:
Cognitive understanding
Somatic awareness
Parts dialogue
Shadow integration
Nervous system regulation
Consistent support
The Invitation: Begin the Journey Home to Yourself
You are not your wound.
You are not your mask.
You are the True Self that existed before the wound and still exists beneath the mask—waiting to be liberated through awareness, compassion, and embodied practice.
Every time you:
Notice a mask activating without judgment
Feel a wound's pain without fleeing it
Give yourself what the parent couldn't give
Choose vulnerability over protection
Allow imperfection over perfectionism
You're healing. You're building new neural pathways. You're becoming more yourself.
The architecture of healing is built through:
Small, repeated acts of self-compassion
Consistent presence with your parts
Patient unblending from protective patterns
Courage to feel what you've been avoiding
This is sacred work. And you don't have to do it alone.
Ready to Heal Your Core Wounds?
If you're recognizing your primary wound(s) in this framework and feeling both the pain of recognition and the hope of healing—that's the beginning.
Deep wound work requires:
Expert guidance from someone trained in IFS, somatic work, and shadow integration
A safe container to meet Exiles without being overwhelmed
Consistent support through the months-long process of rewiring
Tools to work with your body, not just your mind
Accountability when protective parts resist
Witnessing when the pain feels too big to hold alone
The 3-Month Mentorship is designed for exactly this level of transformation:
We don't just talk about your wounds—we meet them. We don't just understand your masks—we dialogue with the parts running them. We don't just conceptualize healing—we build new neural pathways through repeated, supported practice.
This is comprehensive wound healing:
IFS parts work with your protectors and Exiles
Somatic tracking of how patterns live in your body
Nervous system regulation to build capacity for feeling
Shadow integration to meet what you've disowned
Gene Keys work to understand the frequency transformation from shadow to gift
Consistent support through the challenging moments
You've spent decades with these masks. They've served you well.
Now it's time to heal the wounds beneath them and discover who you actually are.
Your True Self is not lost. It's been here all along, waiting beneath the masks, ready to emerge when you're ready to meet it with compassion.
The wounds can heal. The masks can soften. The True Self can emerge.
And that journey—from wounded to whole, from masked to authentic, from surviving to thriving—is the most important journey you'll ever take. And - you're worth it.
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